It's been a while since I've written. This is a personal post, not a lot of deep gnostic thought here. Yet, the gnosticism is there, if you dig for it.
1) Anger: I knew something was wrong, as my manager had presented me with a 90 day plan to improve my skills. It was a panic inducing plan. Stuff I'd never heard of. Tools I hadn't used. I'm a developer, and a number of these tools seemed to be more on the engineering realm. 15 days into the plan, I'm let go. It's not fair. I was working the plan.
2) Conflict: This is not the first time I've been let go because my skills were not where the employer needed to be. I'm angry, I feel upset that my professional skills have been disregarded, but at the same time I'm relieved.
I've never really liked programming. I like problem solving, I like helping folks and making their job easier, and I like building something. But programming was always just a tool, a means to an end. There are other people for whom it's an art form. For me, it was just a lucrative way to help people.
I've changed programming jobs about every two years. This was my clue by four that maybe I should do something different. I've spent the past 2+ weeks on meditating as to what that should be.
3) Opportunities: I have a lot of interests. I love to read, and to write. I love farming when it goes well, but I have to admit it's heartbreaking when it doesn't. I am concerned about farming on an industry level, as it's facing several crises in both method and worker shortages.
I'm exploring a lot of these different paths.
For two weeks, I've been a combination of panicked, relieved, and happy. Panicked, because the security I thought I'd found is gone. Relieved, because I don't have to get up and go to a windowless box to be bathed in artificial LCD light, doing things I don't care about. Happy, because I get up to be in the sun and the rain, facing the challenge of a new day with my intellect and my strength.
I love a challenge, and finding a new path is a big one. I am slowly carving my massive pile of unorganized thoughts into a plan, keeping what seems to work, discarding the dross. I haven't made a lot of decisions, but I have made one.
I don't want to program computers anymore. I may do it for the occasional paycheck, but it is no longer my career.