New Year, New You: Relax, Don't do it

This weeks prompt is: I want you to do something nice for yourself.


I do this constantly.  I'm a Scorpio, and that requires a bit of self-care.  My problem is far more letting the indulgences be occasional.  Just last week I bought myself a remote control helicopter. I'm good.

Instead, I want to indulge my own whims, and write for a minute about the tragedies of people's lives.

When I look back on my life, I can see I made a few stupid mistakes.  I made some well meaning ones.  I made some good mistakes, happy accidents.  The mistakes tend to remain, the good decisions, the successes, they fade (apparently it takes three good occurrences to cancel out one bad).  I've gotten through life partly by diligence, partly by skill, partly by opportunity and partly by luck. All in all, although I'm slightly disappointed with where I am in life (for I am ambitious) I think "Well, I could do more, and I've made some mistakes, but I'm doing all right."

Then I read something like The Chronology of Water and realize I am a fortunate genius philosopher king.  And that I may never live up to the writing ability of the author, whom I've seen read 3 or 4 times, and who's work I'm just now picking up and working my way through.

Lidia Yuknavitch pulls no punches in her memoir.  She writes about her failings, her choices, her happy accidents, her fucked up home life, and does it all with style, wit, humor, rage and a pervading sadness that makes it irresistible to read.  She starts us off talking about her still-born daughter, and the vignettes get more and more horrible from there.  She has the worst luck, and compounds it by self-inflicting upon herself with alcohol, drugs, bad companions, and self-sabotage.  Yet, there's a beauty here I cannot deny, a fascination I cannot resist, and writing I simply cannot put down.  Until I empathize too much, and simply must put it down, so that my heart won't break and I won't weep openly on my lunch break at work.

So, when I compare my life to hers, I realize I've made good, careful, prudent and sometimes even wise choices.


I look at my friends, all of whom focus on their failings and not their successes.  I look at myself, and my motto from Franz Bardon: Be kind and generous to your fellows, but hard and relentless with yourself.  I look at Lidia, who makes the wrong choices, yet manages to survive, even thrive.  Even if she's a little damaged.  I will never, ever be in the position she was in.

I think about the nature of this post, and I realize:  you know, I'm not doing so bad.  I think I'll let up on my motto for a bit.  I'll be hard and relentless with myself:  tomorrow.

New Year, New You: Goals Progress

Two noteworthy milestones:

1) The Hesychasm Prostrations have made it into my daily practice.  I've been slowly increasing the number (from 10 to 60).  Unfortunately, just before Christmas I hurt my knee, and every time I get up from laying on the floor it causes great pain.  So, rather than put it off, I've been doing another physical act of devotion: I touch the floor after every repetition of the Jesus Prayer.  After 4 days, I'm starting to notice physical differences (mostly a bit of soreness after, a bit of sweat during).  Also, my  mental state is staying quite even.

2) Divinations:  I voluntarily did a divination this morning.  It's geomancy, so it's complex and only about half calculated, but I had a question and I now have the information for the answer.   An interesting occurence for me.

Something I didn't plan on or mention is a resumption of journaling.  And a renewed dedication to getting the work done in my Order.

New Year, New You: Goals

In response to this prompt..

Inspiration: Cuts you Up ( You know the way it throws about/It takes you in and spits you out/It spits you out when you desire/to conquer it, to feel you're higher/To follow it you must be clean/with mistakes that you do mean/Move the heart, switch the pace/Look for what seems out of place ) You know, any task needs to be cut up, after all...
1. How are you going to accomplish these large goals in your daily life?

1. Project 1: Grow the Church
1. Find a place to hold services (I've contacted the UU Church in town)
2. Hire help with the newsletter (I've contacted a freelancer)
3. Identify places to advertise
4. Make Plans for the Seattle Mission (which has been approved and is in the preliminary stages)
2. Project 2: Stabilize my situation
1. Looking for a new apt (showing tomorrow at noon)
2. Save up security deposit ($200-$500 already saved)
3. Let Landlord know so I have a goad to get out.
4. Buy a futon (Currently I sleep on the floor, by choice.)
3. Project 3: Get healthy
1. Hesychasm Prostrations (making part of daily ritual VERY active)
2. Personal Trainer
3. Gym Membership (these two make no sense until Project 2 is further along)

2. What magical acts (rituals, spellwork, whatever it is you do) can you do to help you accomplish this goal?

1. Project 1: Grow the Church
1. Prayer to Sts. John to attract people
2. Prayers and offerings to Our Lady of the Woods for local space and success
3. Jupiter Gate (esp. offerings to Tzadkiel) for success.
2. Project 2: Stabilization
1. Prayers and Offerings to Our Lady of the Woods, as she's been my patron here in Portland
3. Project 3: Get healthy
1. Meditations on St. Raphael (Angel of Healing)
2. Readings re: healing miracles
3. Hesychasm prostations

3. Use your preferred method of divination to figure out both what you can do to make sure these goals will happen and also to figure out what road blocks keep you from this.

I am not a big fan of Divination, but I do know several methods.  Currently I'm supposed to be working with Geomancy (for a group I'm a member of), and as most of my concerns deal with the Earthly sphere, perhaps I'll give it a shot for each project.

4. Consult whatever inner or outer spirits you may work with as to what's blocking you from achieving your goals.

I shall.  Perhaps Wednesday, but possibly Sunday.

New Year, New You: Making Way

This is in response to the prompt of last week.  I'm about a week behind on this.


Inispirations:
Music: Furr, by Blitzen Trapper
Deities: I'm gonna go with Our Lady of the Woods on this one.
Moon Phase & Day: Waning, Wed. 12/21


Cleaning:
I've been keeping up with my banishing, keeping things cleansed.  Sunday I did the bathrooms and took out the garbage.  Haven't really gotten through with vaccuming my room or changing my bedding though.  I think Wed. will be a good day like that.

Time:
I've already cut my tv watching/video game playing down quite a bit.  Going more for reading and talking with people.  I had a little bit, but I was also making a present, so I feel OK about it.  My biggest time waste is my commute, but even then I'm trying to listen to books on tape.

Rocks:
I'm not sure what I carry around, except the death of my Father, which happened 13 years ago or so last week.  Every year it casts a bit of a pall over my holidays.  It's slowly getting to be less and less of an issue, and I had a great time this year.

My home and romantic lives are transitioning as well.   Not a bad transition, in any sense, but still unknown and so it causes a bit of anxiety.  For the first time ever, I'm looking to live alone.  No roommates. No family. No girlfriend or wife living with me.  Just... me.  I'll still be dating Emily and we'll still see each other quite a bit, but we're currently going in different directions.

Do I like me enough to actually spend time with myself?  What will it be like to have just myself to take care of, to make decisions for?  To not have to consider someone else in how my home is organized?

Interesting stuff.

New Year, New You: Who am I?

Who is this I that desires transformation into something new?

Is it this collection of atoms?  This bundle of cells that powers what I laughingly call "I"?  If so, how much of these atoms constitute "me"?  Is it the ones that share my DNA?  Is it the microbes that live upon me, up to 90 trillion different individual living things?  Does it include the air I breathe, once I breathe it?  Does it include the air I exhale, filled with cells, microbes, carbon from my body and oxygen that's been burned?  Is the skin my boundary, or do I include the food I eat, the fluids I secrete, the people I join with in physical contact of one sort or another?

Perhaps I'm being to physical.  Perhaps me is the thoughts generated from the cells?  The grey matter in my skull, reacting and firing over and over.  But what thoughts are mine?  What are put there by other outside influences?  What thoughts originate in my gut, or my foot, or my groin?  What thoughts can truly define "me"?  And, if these thoughts stop, do I?

Perhaps I'm still being too everyday.  Perhaps "me" is the spiritual, the pneumatic, the Divine.  But how can I be an individual, an "I", in the face of the Divine, the all encompassing ground of all being that resists definition, surpasses all explanation, defies being itself?  How can "I" avoid drowning in the diffuse blinding light of that which we call God?  How can my existence as an entity resist the power and awesome splendor of being itself?

What about the past?  The past is fluid, is gone.  I remember it, I note it down, but the memories are recreations and the notes are poor shadows.  The future is unformed, unknowable although possibly predictable, given enough variables.  The present slips away, and the I that experiences it slips into the past, and into the froth thus generated by passing through this moment.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way

Before I transform what is, how can I understand what is?  Do I just identify facets, and change those facets?   My weight, my living situation, my efforts and social circle, my worship style and rituals?  Or do I really transform, make the elixir of the spirit mighty in the crucible of my soul?  How can I choose, what can I control, what can I influence, what is destined?

The questions are important ones.  The answers, as all things, probably change from the direction in which we approach them.

There's a place where I know you walked
The love falls from the trees
My heart is like a broken cup
I only feel right on my knees
I spill out like a sewer hole
Yet still receive your kiss
How can I measure up to anyone new
After such a love as this

Oh Most High, You gave unto your preacher the Wisdom and knowledge to seek after these questions, and he found that all was vanity, found only vexation of the spirit and and striving after the wind.  Oh Divine Beloved, grant that I might lay my head for a time on your breast, and hear the thrumming of your heart, and find peace.

New Year, New You

So, Charmed, I'm Sure has an experiment she wants us magical types to do.  I'm always up for an experiment.   And who doesn't like transformation?   Let's see what happens.  Deb says:

Get up, get up! Don't miss this moment. Create magics great and small, mundane and mystical. Find everything you've been looking for, mysteries revealed in every form of divination and song and when you fuck it up, when you are too tired to try, bring each other up from bloodied knees to get back up smiling. You are all made of stars and you have stardust in your veins. Do something about it.

RO talks about what he'd like to do.  Jason Miller does too.  These folks are both inspirations to me, so I'm going to give it a shot.

However, as a priest, my ideas of wealth and kingdom are slightly different than theirs.  I'm less concerned with my own life, except as how it impacts my ability to grow the Kingdom of God, and specifically my little tribal slice of it, the Apostolic Johannite Church.  So, my projects are generally focused around that.

• Project 1: Grow the AJC community in the Pacific Northwest.

I'm helped in this project by the steady work and anchorage of Regina Coeli Parish in Victoria, BC, Canada, and the efforts of Father Stu+ and Monsignor Jordan+ who've blazed the trail in this area.  I'm helped by Levi Greenacres, who has designed my community logo.  I'm helped by parishioners and friends who are sympathetic to the work.  I'm helped by the loves in my life and the family who aid me and keep me sane.  I am helped by our brothers and sister in ecclesia at Queen of Heaven Gnostic Church. I am helped by my patron in this locale, Our Lady of the Woods.  The amount of aid I receive is astonishing.

And here, I felt alone before I wrote that.  This experiment already bears fruit.

I think that, the powers of Venus are required to increase this aspect of my kingdom.  I need to grow the community, strengthen the bonds, increase the love.  

• Project 2: Stabilize my situation

I am not happy with my living situation. I'm not happy with my savings or debt.  I'm not happy with my clutter.  All these things need to be cleared out or cleared up.

• Project 3: Get healthy

I'm about 50 pounds overweight.  I don't like my appearance or the creaks that are starting to appear when I arise or retire.  I think I need to change that.

That's my two three big projects, and I think if I can make progress on those, it will be time well spent.

Repent! For the kingdom of God is at hand!

Mea Culpa.

I ask your forgiveness, dear readers.  I have been guilty of spreading a misunderstanding.

I'm very fond of saying that the word 'repent' comes from the Latin prefix re- meaning again, and peneso, meaning to think, and that it means that we are called to think again.  I've expounded on this theme at some length in various places.

I'm quite wrong.

'Repent' comes from the latin Re- meaning again, and poenitere, meaning "be penitent" or "be sorry".  It is directly related to 'penal', meaning punishment.  So, not a call to examine your life, beyond the call that you've really messed up, and you need to get yourself right with God.  You've broken the rules, and you need to accept your punishment with a glad heart for the correction.  Mea Culpa, my fault.


And yet, I'm not wrong.


When I saw this, I was of course mightily embarrassed. And I was highly curious, because I'm a Johannite, and as such John the Baptist is of great import to me.  He uses the term Repent, and so it's one of those words that I should be able to use quite a bit, something I should exhort people to do as well, as long as I use it properly.  So I went back to the Greek versions of the gospels, which tell about John the Baptist, especially where he calls for us to repent, for the kingdom of God is at hand (Matthew 3:2).  And the Greek word that John the Baptist is supposed to have used is Μετανοεῖτε, metanoiete.

Μετανοεῖτε is translated in the Vulgate as Pœnitentiam agite, and so back to poenitere, and Repent as punishment.  However, I found out that Erasmus translates it as resipiscite, which is much closer to what I was originially thinking, along the lines of 'to change one's mind' and also, 'to recover one's senses'.

So, why the language lesson?

For Gnostics, Lent can be problematic.  We don't generally see sin as the major issue, but rather ignorance of who we are, why we're here, and where we're going cause most of the issues we encounter.  The fact that we are ignorant of our divine heritage is the issue of the fall, not the sin of pride or the original sin of pursuing that which God does not want us to.  So, what do we have to repent of?  Why should we be sorry, if our mistakes take us out of ignorance and into the light?

However, the idea of 'repent' as changing one's mind instead of being penitent has great meaning.  If we repent, if we think about our status, if we change our mind, recover our senses, we can examine our lives and make the changes in them that we need to step out of ignorance.

And that is what this season is about.  It is about self examination.  It is about knowing yourself, that famous Greek maxim over the temple at Delphi.  It is about looking at not only what we've done, but at what we do in our lives.  How we live from day to day, what we spend our energies on, and how that affects our lives on a physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual level.

Fasting generally accompanies Lent.  I always try to fast in some way, to 'give something up'.  And the reason why is that by doing so, I'm constantly thinking about the place that 'given up' action or item has in my life.  For instance, if I give up sugar for Lent, for 40 days I have to consider what has sugar, what am I eating, why am I eating it or desiring it?  Is it because I'm hungry, or because I'm bored, or because it's there?

Why are we examining our lives at all?  What good does it do us to spend the time doing this, rather than something external, like working at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen?  What's the value of this seeming navel-gazing?

This consideration, this rethinking and coming to one's senses, is valuable because it is a time to cultivate space for the Light to come in, which is symbolized by the Easter Resurrection.  When the Light illuminates us, will be we able to confront what we see?  Will what shines in our souls and in our lives cause us to rejoice and be thankful for who we are and what we have become?  Or will that light expose things which will go scuttling for the dark again?

So, Lent is a time of repentance.  It is a time to change one's mind, change one's habits, and recover one's senses.  To put aside illusions and misconceptions, and get to the heart of the matter.  To put aside that which is inessential, and know that which is essential.

Repent.  For the Kingdom of God is at hand.

Untranslatable Gnosis

One of the difficulties I have when talking about gnosis is trying to translate the experiences I have into some form of Communication.  English is wonderful at getting across certain concepts, but sometimes you just need to use another language.

Dépaysement

French – The feeling that comes from not being in one’s home country.

This word, to me, explains my base state of existence.  As a gnostic, I am not in my home country.  I am lost, confused, I don't understand the customs, the familiar things I use as touchstones are all strange here.  I'm never quite comfortable.  Enjoyable as things may be, they're never quite right.  I have this feeling of dépaysement, of not being in my home country.

Saudade

Portuguese – One of the most beautiful of all words, translatable or not, this word “refers to the feeling of longing for something or someone that you love and which is lost.”

The liturgy of the Ecclesia Gnostica Mysteriorum contains the line "When I am not even sure there is a Thou", and that line expresses the sentiment of saudade very well.  Often, gnostics lose their surety, their connection.  It is these moments we fall back on faith, on trust in the existence and compassion of the divine.  Our souls ring out with the longing for what we love, and what was lost.  What we hope to regain.

Duende

Spanish – While originally used to describe a mythical, spritelike entity that possesses humans and creates the feeling of awe of one’s surroundings in nature, its meaning has transitioned into referring to “the mysterious power that a work of art has to deeply move a person.”

Emily uses this word all the time, and I think that all religious people experience it:  In the beauty of a hymn, the awe of a cathedral arch, the timelessness of a mural or painting, the phrases of scripture.  We are moved off our axes and into the realm of the Divine.

Maybe these words can help you out, when trying to describe those indescribable feelings and experiences which occur among us.