Monday, April 27, 2015

Day 13: Procrastination

So, this little 42 day challenge I've set for myself is made more difficult by the fact that I'm not consistent.

Since Day 8, I believe I've meditated twice. I haven't written. I have watched all of Daredevil, cooked, cleaned, played D&D, and slept. Oh, and I indulged in some Tequila, and we sheared the llamas and sheep (anyone want some raw, dirty, wool?).

All I'm supposed to do is meditate and write about rest, and instead what I've been doing is slacking off.

I find there to be a difference between slacking off and resting. Rest is what happens when your work is done, and you take a sip of the beverage of your choice, reflect on your efforts, and go 'damn, I'm good.'

Slacking off is not getting started. Avoiding. Procrastinating. Lazing around.

Being depressed.

I've noticed that when I'm depressed, those are my expressions of it. I watch TV, I play video games, I hide under my covers. I avoid, procrastinate, and simply phone it in. I'm not tired, I'm often restless, but I can't summon the will or the focus to accomplish... much. Usually food, and a bath, and that's it. The bare minimums.

When I'm not, I meditate, I read, I work on projects, and I often go until I can't go any more. I sleep better, because I'm physically tired. I have a glow of health when I rest, because I've been active.

So, my behavior over the past 5 days has resembled depression. And depression resembles a sickness response. Or it can be brought about by Separation. Paddy worked on Sunday, so that might be it. When she works, she's gone 15 hours: 3 hours round trip, then a 12 hour shift.  That's if she doesn't work two days in a row, then she's gone overnight.

So, this little description of my life an depression and such has been quite helpful. I've been able to categorize for myself the difference between resting and slacking off, and the similarities between slacking off and being depressed. And I've found that maybe I need to be a little less judgmental on my slacking off days, as maybe I'm fighting depression, or maybe I'm actually a little ill. So, I'll try to be kind to myself on that score. Keep it in mind for yourself, all my go-getter friends.

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