Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Vast Expanse of White

So, I'm suppose to write a post, as part of my Lenten obligation.

But I'm tired. I didn't get enough sleep this last... week. Month, maybe. My brain is like oatmeal, and I'm using all the power I have to do my secular work.

Writing a blog post is the last thing on my mind. I want to sit and listen to bad pop music and drink soda and eat Doritos and basically veg out. I actually have a playlist on youtube called "I do this to torture myself" which has the newest, worst songs I can find.  "Tik Tok" bad. It's public, so you can look at it and mock me at your leisure.

I simply don't feel profound. I don't feel like writing. So why am I bothering you with this stream of consciousness glimpse into my weakness and sloth?

Several reasons. First, I gave my word. There's an obligation that I must fulfill, and whether I fulfill it well or badly, I am darn well going to fulfill it.

Second, discipline. I think I'm too often ruled by my feelings about what I am supposed to do, rather than doing what I know to be correct.

Third, Magic.  I've been reading Josephine McCarthy's "Magical Knowledge I", and in it she talks about the need for discipline, and this quote especially resonates with me: "Doing something that sometimes you do not want to do, but have to, is very good for for self-imposed boundaries." So I'm doing something I don't want to, but have to.

Fourth, Magic. Franz Bardon has a wonderful quote, as well: Be kind and forgiving to your fellows, but hard and relentless with yourself.

Being hard and relentless, doing something that you don't want to, but have to, is counter-cultural. Our culture does not support these ideals. When something is difficult, we think 'why bother?'

And when I'm tired, when I'm exhausted and I've reached the end of my spoons, I don't want to write. Yet here I am, lost on the vast expanse of white, wandering towards the end of this ramble.

I have no point to this post. I have no conclusion, no moral, no grand thoughts. It is an end in itself. Its very purpose is simple existence. Sort of like me, today.

1 comment:

+rue said...

it's always good to see someone being real; human.